Time to Put on the Big Girl Panties

Yesterday I spent a little bit of time contemplating my goals. One of the things about new year’s resolutions is that they are very rarely kept for the whole year.

fitness resolution

Every time I think about this race series lately I get a stomach ache. I’m overwhelmed by it. It scares the hell out of me. I wonder if I have what it takes to see it through. Will I be the little red stick figure that never starts, or makes it through a week, or 3 months …? I’ve got the tools: the training plans, the schedule book, hell, I even have the time, which is a tough commodity to come by these days. What I’m lacking is the confidence. I’ve lost confidence in myself to see things through. I’ve let myself down time and again – with the same race series a few years ago, to the 10k training I blew off last fall, and plenty of little disappointments in between. The only way to regain trust is to build it back – over time. Prove myself.

Why is this goal important to me? I think it goes back to the very first race I ever trained for back in 2010. It was an 8k (5 miles) for the Rays of Hope – breast cancer treatment. I raised money and trained. I ran further than I ever thought I would. And I did it – I ran that 5 miles. That was an accomplishment I didn’t know I could do. Each week I ran and built my endurance. I loved the challenge of it. I loved completing a difficult run because I was proud of myself. The training runs gave me the confidence I needed to keep running. To keep challenging myself. And I need to feel that way about myself again. I need to feel that I can handle the training, the race series. I mean, I know I can do it. I did it before. But so many times since then I have come up short. Didn’t finish. My confidence is shot.

Ok, in all honesty the first time I tried the race series I was nervous and excited. I hadn’t trained enough beforehand, so I didn’t do the first race – 8 miles. The second race was a 5 miler, which I was pushed to do by the series coordinator. And the course was tough! The final 1.5 miles was uphill. And I was the second-to-last person to finish. That was crushing. I’d like to tell you that it doesn’t matter how fast or slow I am. That all that matters is getting out there and doing it. But I hated being last. And it affected my confidence so much that I ran only one other race that series – a 4 miler – and I didn’t feel so great about my performance then either. So I stopped participating. Dropped out. Quit. I succumbed to the call of the couch.

I let myself down. And I’ve been avoiding dealing with these feelings since that time. Time to get over it. The past is the past. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m ready to try again. I want to try again.


I have to get over my recent flops and put on my big girl panties. The time has come to face this fear and regain my confidence. Ya know some might say that my race flops were failures only in my own mind. It is all about perspective. And I am ready to change my perspective. And my underwear.

Gonna run,


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